From Crumbs to Cake: How To Reclaim Your Right to Need

I’ve spent nearly 9 years becoming a mother— I gave and gave and gave.

And in many ways, I wanted to. It felt natural. Sacred.

The beautiful life I had built came at a cost — my own needs had shrunk so small that I almost forgot they even existed.

Some days, I still catch myself reaching for crumbs.
When there’s a whole cake waiting for me…

The Fear of Having Needs

Over the last 5 months I have been working with Dr. Sam Rader - I wanted more from a few areas of my life and noticed tendencies (or "Coping Styles" as she calls them) where I've learned to fit in - to be "easy", "flexible" and "go with the flow".

And please note, these are all things that makes us incredibly attuned mamas. 

And it can also leave us utterly depleted.

When we were little, we may have learned that having needs was inconvenient or that they made us “too much”.  So we often did the safe thing and shut them down... 

Becoming a mother validates this pattern.

We are celebrated for self-sacrificing.
For being so “chill” and “easygoing.”
For smiling through sleep deprivation and stuffing our wants down so no one else would feel uncomfortable. And very often not even noticing that our needs aren't being met.

But now, something in me is waking up again.
It’s whispering “I want more” and it's also bringing up some questions

“Can my needs be valid even if they’re inconvenient to others?”
“Can I ask for more? even if it may rock the boat?”

Note to new mamas: I am postpartum now 2.5 years with my third - She's individuating and thriving, which is perfect timing to start exploring ME again - everything below is possible with younger children, and please be gentle with yourself if that timing isn't right yet. 

The Ritual That is Helping Me Change

In the very beginning of this new journey—before I had language for what I was doing—I started by taking a short walk.

Just that.

A small act, but it was me time.

A start to my foundation for self-care.
A small reminder that taking care of my own needs doesn’t make my family's world fall apart.

And yes, it did require my husband to do more and hold space for all three kids during this time - but now he sees the dividends of having a partner who is grounded and ready to care for others.

What I’ve learned is that self-care isn’t always spa days or solo vacations. More often, it’s the quiet conviction that your needs matter — even in the relentless demands of caregiving. Sometimes it looks as simple as doing one small thing for yourself, because that small act creates the awareness and space to notice where your boundaries have been crossed, where you’ve needed more but stayed silent, and where being under-resourced kept you from even recognizing your own needs.

How to Begin 

In the past when I identified a need, I would swing from nothing to everything—and it would be overwhelming to our home system… and to my marriage.

So now when my needs pop up, I ask:
How do I get to yes gently?
How do I let my needs return… without burning everything down?

Here’s what I’m practicing:

• Naming the need before I react.
• Not blaming others for my needs not being taken care of.
• Sitting with the discomfort of taking up space.
• Remembering that resentment is what happens when I don’t express myself clearly enough to be loved.
• This is a journey of mothering myself, too.

You Don’t Owe Anyone a Roadmap

There’s no manual for this part of motherhood.
No formula for asking for what you need without guilt.
No perfect script for changing what once worked.

AND you don’t owe anyone a roadmap—just your truth.

That truth? It might shake things up.
But it will also set you free.

A Love Note for You

If you’re reading this and wondering…“Is it too late?”

You are allowed to change. 

You are allowed to expand. 

You are allowed to want more.

Not just for your kids to witness. But for you—because your happiness is worth living in.

And heck, you’ve only got one life on earth to live, and that’s now - what are you waiting for? 

With love, Satya

PS. If this post resonates please share it with someone it might also inspire to claim her desires and needs.