Sometimes I Feel Like a Drill Sergeant, Not a Mom

Sometimes I Feel Like a Drill Sergeant, Not a Mom

...and I feel guilty that I might be missing the magic.

I often catch myself barking orders:
“Shoes on!”
“Backpacks ready!”
“Let’s go, we’re going to be late!”

It feels like I’ve become more logistics manager than mother. 

More drill sergeant than nurturer. 

And to be honest it makes me a little sad—because time is moving fast. 

These little feet I’m always rushing out the door? They’re getting bigger every day.

Sometimes I imagine what it might be like to the kind of mom I thought I’d be. 

The kind who lets the dishes sit in the sink without a second thought. 

Who closes the laptop mid-workday to go jump in puddles. 

Who forgets the hairbrush, the jackets, the cleanup, and just dances in the rain.

But then I think about the mess. 

The wet clothes. 

The dripping boots. 

The hair that will tangle, the laundry that will pile up, the late dinner, the bath that takes longer after a muddy adventure.And I feel the familiar grip of control tightening again.

The Efficiency Trap

Efficiency is a coping mechanism.
It gives us the illusion that we’re in charge, that nothing will slip through the cracks if we just stay on it. And in many ways, it works. 

Things get done. 

Kids get places on time. 

Meals are made, messes are managed, and we maintain some sense of order.

But I'm starting to wonder at what cost?

• What are we teaching our children when there’s no room for spontaneity? 
  
• What do they learn when the only things prioritized are the ones that are productive?
  
• If we’re not careful, our kids will learn that joy is a reward for getting everything done—not a state of being they’re allowed to live in every day.
  

What’s Underneath Control

I’ve spent time exploring this in myself. Why do I default to control? What’s underneath the need to plan, to manage, to handle it all?

The answer is almost always some combination of:

• Fear of falling apart
  
• Fear of being judged
  
• Fear of dropping the ball and being the reason something fails
  

But the truth is, the version of motherhood I most want to model isn’t built on control.
It’s built on trust.
It’s built on flexibility.
It’s built on presence.

Because it’s not just about what my children do each day. It’s about how they feel in our home.

Letting Play Be the Priority

So now, I’m playing with something new.
I ask myself questions like:

• Can the cleanup wait 15 minutes while we laugh together?
  
• Is this meltdown really about the shoes—or is it about connection?
  
• Will I remember how fast we got to school… or the moment she twirled in the rain?
  

I’ll be honest, most days I still choose the plan, the checklist, the order.But more and more, I’m letting go.

I’m choosing to let joy be urgent.

I’m choosing to let fun be essential.

I’m choosing to mother not like a manager—but like a mirror of the kind of human I hope my kids grow 

into: one who values wonder just as much as they value efficiency.

And if that means a 10-15 extra minutes / day to clean at the end…
So be it.