I Thought I’d Feel More Like Myself By Now

I used to think it was just the newborn fog or energetic vortex of a 2 year old…
That once I got more sleep, once I stopped nursing, once the diapers were done, I’d feel like me again.

But the truth?

I’m still waiting to feel like myself.
And I’m starting to wonder—
What if the version of me I’m waiting for doesn’t exist anymore?

Motherhood Changed Me. 

No one told me that even years after birth, I’d look in the mirror and still not fully recognize the woman staring back.

Not because of how she looks, though sure, that changed too. But because she feels… blurry. 

The new me hasn’t had time to finish a full thought, let alone a full sentence, in years. I scroll and see old photos and ache, not for the body, but for the freedom, the identity, the unfragmented wholeness.

I love my life. And sometimes I miss the previous version of me…

The Return Is Not Linear

They say “you come back to yourself eventually.”

But here’s what I’ve learned:
It’s not a return.
It’s are-making.

Piece by piece.
Need by need.
Permission by permission.

Some days, I feel like myself again when I slip on a dress (like this one- you can see how much it makes me feel like me, here) that fits in all the right places.
Other days, it’s in the fifteen-minute walk, music ON loud and no one needing anything from me.

And some days—I’m just lost.
And I let that be true too.

If you’re still waiting to feel like you again, here’s what I want you to know:

• You’re not behind.
• You’re not broken.
• And you’re not alone.
  

[[The truth is, we’re not going back to the women we were—You’re meeting the mama-woman you’ve been becoming.]]

She’s wiser.
She’s softer in some places, fiercer in others.
She’s shedding shoulds and carrying more truth.

She’s not less.
She’smore—but in a way the world might not always recognize.

You’re Not the Only One

If you’ve ever whispered to yourself, “I thought I’d feel more like myself by now,”
know this:

You’re not failing.
You’re unfolding.

And that?
That’s motherhood too (and maybe aging too?)

xx, Satya

P.S. When It’s More Than Just an Identity Shift

If what you’re feeling goes deeper than disconnection…If it feels heavy every day.
If you’re overwhelmed, anxious, irritable, numb, or having intrusive thoughts—

Asking for help is essential. Especially during the early postpartum period, when sleep, hormones, and the mental load can make it hard to know what’s "normal" and what’s not.

If this resonates, please reach out. Talk to your partner, your care provider, or a trusted friend. And if you need immediate support, here are resources that are here for you:

💛 Mental Health Resources for Moms

• Postpartum Support International (PSI)
  📞 Helpline: 1-800-944-4773
  📱 Text: 800-944-4773 (English) or 971-203-7773 (Spanish)
  🌐 www.postpartum.net
   PSI offers free, confidential support for postpartum depression, anxiety, and emotional distress. They’ll help connect you to the right care and support groups.
  
  
• National Maternal Mental Health Hotline (U.S.)
  📞 1-833-9-HELP4MOMS (1-833-943-5746)
   Available 24/7 in English & Spanish. Free and confidential.